I have to admit that I hate writing an Author’s Bio more than anything else in the entire world. That may be a little dramatic, but just trust me…I hate them. The fact is; my life on paper tells you next to nothing about who I am or what I might be like in person. So, instead of reading a checklist of my life, only to sit back and think,” I wonder if she’s a bitch…”. I want to you read my bio and then think, “That chick is a little off….”  

Without further ado…here is my bio. With flair!

I am the 264 year old surrogate mother to a flock of seagulls, an actual flock of birds, not the new wave band from the 80's. I joined a travelling carnival at the age of eleven, successfully disguising my gender, and serving as an apprentice to the strongman. When my pectoral muscles began to develop at a faster rate than my biceps, I ran away to join with a group of nomadic fortune tellers. 

After a few years of living the nomadic lifestyle, I grew tired of the constant travel and decided it was time to move on...which is a bit ironic I suppose. 

At that point, I hacked into the department of student services to enroll myself at the Wharton School of Business. Naturally, I awarded myself a full fellowship as well as a stipend for living expenses. I completed the MBA/JD Program at the top of my class in only one year. 

After graduating, I took the next seven years off to tour the world in a hot air balloon with six baboons and two llamas. As a side note: baboons and llamas do NOT get along. 

I ended my balloon trip in Canada where I was accepted into the Royal Canadian Mountie training program in Saskatchewan. However, I quit the program shortly after beginning because I looked like a complete tool in the uniform. I got my happy ass out of Canada and headed back to the United States.

I moved from state to state, having an exact replica of each tattooed on the bottom of my foot before moving on to the next. Finally, I ended up in the glorious state of Louisiana where I met the man of my dreams and settled down in da bayou to build a nest and raise the best damn flock of seagulls the world would ever know.

Oh, and I wrote a book too.

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